Beginning of July 2004
As I returned to Norway 29th of June from the US, I once again began to think about figuring out my life. I had landed harder this time with a greater intensity. As my parents home, and my own home for 9 years in Minneapolis was sold. They had relocated to Florida. I even more to Norway. I felt more like a gypsy wandering from place to place wondering where my home is. I wanted to right away after returning to Oslo plant myself deeper and get myself a job and a place to live which is my own. So I went onto the internet and looked for a job through the government unemployment web site www.aetat.no. There I found a company called www.bestseller.com in which they looked for a new IT assistant to take support calls from their fashion cloths stores. I felt that I was needed there not so much as an IT assistant but as one who could talk to people about life and give some kind of guidance. I called up Bestseller and dropped by their office at Lysaker in Oslo and spoke with the IT guy who was going to quit and become a student. It was his job that I would possibly take over. I gave him the application and he passed it on.
A few weeks later I returned for the 3rd time and was able to talk with the guy who was going through a big ring binder full of applications.
I do not know what will happen and perhaps the point is not if I get the full time job or not but that I had followed through with my intensity in wanting to work and be active (å virke). I felt that God brought forth this job as a way for me to for a little while use my intensity, it succeeded in doing so.
While going through these weeks of wanting to work I have also discovered that home is not a physical place but a feeling inside of peace and being at the right place at the right time.
I have become just a little more comfortable in living in a place that is not my own but a friends.
My mom’s uncle Bjørn had died.
Monday the 12th of July
I attended mom’s uncle, Bjørn Breigutu’s funeral. I had barely got to know him during the time I returned to Norway in January, as I had not seen him in many many years. Mom had told him that I had been in Los Angeles and worked as an actor, and as he himself had worked as a director and editor before he retired perhaps 10-15 years ago. He felt excited that another person in the family had gone the movie making/acting direction. I had some great visits with him and his wife Ingebjorg during January, Febuary and March. A few days after my return to Norway June 29th I received a call from Ingeborg and she told me that Bjørn had died. I was not surprised, but the news hurt. I had come to really enjoy my visits with them both, and Bjørn was able to share of movies he had been a part of with me. It felt like we together could dream back to what we both had done. For Bjørn it was a part of his past for me it is also a part of my past, and perhaps I will once again have the chance to take a part in the movie industry. I really hope so, because it is a great trill to be in a movie to work as an actor or in the background.
To be active is so very important. To find things that thrill and give meaning to life. Many times I do not feel like doing anything so I do not do anything.
Tuesday the 13th of July
I have received another modeling job for Telenor (the biggest telecom company in Norway). I went out to their office and meet the two other models, the photographer and our contacts at Telenor, and we wandered around for a while trying to figure out the best location to shoot the pictures for their upcoming September in-store promotion. The promotion will run in cell phone stores all over Norway. Three pictures were taken, one of myself and the remaining of the other two models. It will be fascinating to see how it turns out. (I never did see the pictures.)
Meeting Nils
One day I joined my friend with the cat in visiting an old female retired friend who was recuperating at Hokksund Bad rehabilitation center for people who have various physical pains that need treatment, usually older people.
I sit on a coach in the reception area patiently waiting for my friend to return from her search of locating the old woman she is going to visit. Watching people coming and going through the automatic entrance doors my eyes drift to an old white haired man using a pole in each hand for extra balance. I recognize the deep loneliness and sadness radiate from his eyes as he so softly walks by me. I want to approach him, but I feel that I am not to do so. So I leave it in Gods hands if I am to come across him again during my visit.
My friend and the old woman return a short time later. I join them as they slowly walk together further into the building through a hallway that opens up into a sitting room. As they approach the doors out to the patio area I become more hesitant as I want them to have more time together without my presence. So I excuse myself when I notice the piano in the corner of the room. It has been a while since I have played, and I am always curious as to what my fingers will end up playing. Each piano has it’s own personality, so it can vary how my fingers dance finding the keys that together create a peaceful harmony. It is by letting go of the mind, of control, that the harmony comes forth.
My fingers move in a rhythmic fashion as two lovers embracing swaying forth and back over and over again across the dance floor listening to a slow tune. The old white haired man with the poles approach from the same hallway we had come from earlier. He sits down close by having a curious look on his face wondering what I am playing. Quietly, listening to music coming from deep inside of me.
Long moments pass as I am engrossed in the harmony of the keys. Suddenly the old man gets up and leaves by the same door he came in. I try to mentally hold him back by thinking wait let’s talk, but he does not hear me.
I stop a little while later, feeling refreshed as if I have rested, joining the others outside on the patio. Another friend of the old woman who is also staying at the rehabilitation center has also joined them. The four of us sit around a white plastic table in white plastic chairs. As I listen and join in small parts of the conversation I sit there wondering if I will be able to talk with the old man. If there is anything that I can do for him. I do believe he has a strong faith similar to my own. I was right, but he calls himself Thomas and says that I am Peter.
It is time to leave so the four of us get up and slowly wander inside into the sitting room, and close to the piano he sits seemingly waiting for me. As we pass by the old man thanks me for playing the piano. I stop while the others continue through the sitting room into the hallway. The time has finally arrived. I told him that I had wanted to talk with him since the moment I saw him in the entrance area after his walk. I could see in his eyes the faith in God he carries inside, and of the loneliness. He sat there listening, eyes begin to fill with tears of someone finally recognizing him and the life he stands for. I kneel down, smile with compassion and understanding. I give him a hug. It is too much for him and the tears that fills his eyes pass by his glasses to fall onto my shoulder. I embrace him in a loving care as if it is myself and my own loneliness and sadness that I am embracing. We had both found a brother in each other. It continues to this day our faith in God connecting us together, guiding our journey into life. They called him “the bishop” and thought that I was a young priest visiting him.
A week later
I visited Nils at the rehabilitation center and we talked about our faith. I talked about God and life without my mind getting in the way. Nils was comforted by my presence, and said that I should visit him one more time before he left the rehabilitation center. I did so on the day he was to leave, and I drove him to the train station in Drammen to where he was to take the train back home to Kristiansand.
A picture at Nils home of the the “bishop” and the “young priest”.
End of July 2004.
My friend with the cat went on a Yoga/meditation/guru retreat thing for two weeks and suddenly I finally had some time for myself to be in my own company. The cat was there though. I spent the first week barely going out of the house. Spending much time to rest, watch tv, and not much else. I felt I needed this time for myself. It became frustrating not wanting to do anything at all, as I did on occasion through the week have much energy to do something, but I chose not to do anything. The following week became very different as I was very active as a volunteer at Øyafestivalen. I worked at the hot dog stand run only by volunteers who would then be able to also attend the three days of the pop/rock festival in Oslo. After the first day, Thursday the 12th of August we had sold hot dogs for 46.000 kr (about $5000) a new record for the festival during all the last 6 years. It felt great being so active, and I became so very very hyper as I worked extremely efficient as I stood in the cash register taking orders and yelling “grill” or “winer” (grilled or cooked) to the others handing out the hot dogs. The following day I had the day off which I spent some of relaxing at home before I bicycled the 20 minutes to the festival grounds in Middelalderparken by the main train station in downtown Oslo. Saturday and the last day of the festival I worked again, and the two of us probably the most two flexible of the bunch received orders once again from the customers lined up in front of us waiting for their hot dog or soda/pop or whatever else they wanted. It felt great serving people. The line seemed to never stop so I stood there for a few hours intensely working. As the festival finished a few days ago I question if I perhaps should take a part time job working at 7eleven or some other kiosk. I leave that question open….
I leave my life open to inspiration in whichever way it comes….. What is next that I do not know right now….. I will find out.
14th of August 2004
Sunday evening the girl with the cat returned from her meditation retreat in the Netherlands. I picked her up from the airport and we drove back to her house in Oslo. It was hard having her back as I had been living in her house by myself for the last two weeks while also taking care of her cat. It was wonderful having space for myself, but now she was back, and she wanted my attention to be closer than I personally wanted. I pulled away while she thought about why she let me stay in the first place. She had not received the welcome she had hoped for.
She made up her mind when she overheard me Sunday night talk over my cell phone to a close friend (Berit) about another girl I had met during her absence. She seemed envious of intimacy she would not receive from me again.
15th of August 2004
The end of a meeting.
Monday morning she called me downstairs to the kitchen for a talk. I became angry when she told me that she had overheard me as I was talking over the phone with a friend about another I had girl I had just met.
I knew that she was listening in at the time but I did not care. That her decision would mainly be made upon a conversation not meant for her, made me angry. If it had been based on a mix of matters not just that she was envious I would have been more ok with it. But so what, it was time for me to leave as I could not live in such a strained environment. It was time to find my own place.
The new girl – a new friend.
I told her (my soon to be ex room mate) the full story of how I joined my brother and 2 of his friends to see King Arthur at Klingenberg kino/cinema, and of how he had an extra ticket. I reminded her that I had offered her the extra ticket before I had left home, but that she did not want to go. I did not tell her that I was very hesitant in offering her the ticket. As I joined the other guys by the entrance to the cinema complex we talked about giving the ticket to a cute girl that could sit between us guys.
We did not try every hard to find a girl walking by herself outside the cinema entrance to give the ticket to, so we gave up. We went inside and right before we passed the person checking that we had tickets, I told my brother that I wanted the ticket for one last try. I left the others as they went to sit down, and I walked outside. Standing hesitant looking for a girl walking alone, I noticed one and tried to give the ticket to her but she looked at me with panic in her eyes as if I had offered her something entirely different. So I went inside and by the entrance doors to the cinema room I glimpsed another girl walking alone looking at the posters. I offered the ticket to her while laying it down on an ATM machine, hoping that she or someone else would be able to use it. The guys had saved the empty seat next to me just in case I had managed to get a hold of someone to use it. I noticed a blond girl with a brown skirt come in and sit down next to me. It took a few seconds passed before I suddenly understood that the empty seat was related to the ticket I had left on the ATM. I had only briefly by the entrance doors mentioned the free ticket to her, and her she was sitting next to me. We naturally came into conversation as she thanked me for the ticket. We connected well and had a good conversation before the movie started. Afterward I gave her my card with e-mail and cell phone number, and she sent me an e-mail a few days later. And the rest is history as the saying goes….What happened later, well I will let you fill in the blank with whatever your imagination comes up with, which is probably not that far off anyway….