I drove around and came across the American Academy of Dramatic Arts and dropped by to ask some questions. It is a 2 year school for people interested in acting and I went inside and spoke with someone there. I asked him if it was possible to take a class, but they did not offer shorter classes. He gave me some information on other places that have separate classes.
I went back to the hotel to write about my day even if it is not over yet I feel like I am resting up today. I have time to think again, and being in between brings up various emotions and thoughts. Staying in hotels until I find a place to call home is like a transition phase for me, a transition phase that I feel like I need.
I miss playing, or acting to be someone else just for a little while. To play, to pretend, I miss that. But maybe that is what I am doing right now….
Wednesday 26 of February
The wind travels far across the ocean to find land.
The wind travels far inside your body to find every cell.
The wind travels far from God to find our hearts.
The wind touches us and brings life.
As the wind touches physically, it also touches deep within reminding us of the first breath of life.
I feel the mostly truly alive when a strong breeze almost knocks me over stirring the air inside and outside filling me with life. —
Her pleasant and warm smile, touched me as a soft kiss on the cheek.
Our eyes meet, and for an instant everything melted away except her love.
We continued our separate ways wondering about each other.
Who is she? Who is he?
Ernest Hemmingway, on the rooftop watching the seagulls floating in the wind.
The seagulls levitate in the air just above the roof tops in front of me almost within arms reach. Gliding in the air as if it was water that held them in place. The calmness of their flight and the feel of the breeze pricking my face relaxes my anxious mind. I sit here on the roof top above some of the apartments at Seaview Hotel, looking passed other roof tops to the Pacific Ocean that comes in to greet me as I sit there and the city of Santa Monica. I look to my left and notice a tall palm tree with huge branches swaying in the soft spring breeze, branches almost over me protecting. I wonder how far the breeze has traveled across the ocean to reach this part of the West Coast of America. As it comes a land it reminds me that there is something out there further away than my eyes are able to see. It is far out of reach this mysterious something. Only dreams can answer what is beyond sight, but also dreams are limited in the answers they give. I can see the dark blue water meet the light blue horizon in a thin line as a painters canvas in the play of blue. As the light begins to diminish the breeze becomes colder, and my skin slowly begins to shiver. The seagulls enjoy the breeze as they play in the sky below the orangy clouds high above.
Sitting here relaxes me, but when I think of the last 3 days it makes me wonder what I am doing. I am slowly learning more about different areas north and west of Los Angeles. I feel am waiting. For what I can not say. But I am in a phase where I just need to wait. Just as the seagulls above me float on the wind I need to just float on the wind and relax. The time will come when I will begin to flap my wings and go somewhere, but that is not now.
I tried to flap my wings today, but since I was going against the wind I went no where. It has been a day of thought and the same greyness I had over me yesterday was also over me today. Loneliness can come anywhere and is not dependent on location or whom one is with, rather with phases of oneself and what one is going through deep inside during various periods of life. I was lonely today and secretly wanted someone to call. A good friend of mine from Norway did so very unexpectedly. She told me she knew she needed to call me, as I needed a friendly loving voice to be there for me she needed one for her. We both comforted and shared our common loneliness and sadness.
Earlier in the day
I went to Central Casting this morning to register as an extra for upcoming movies. Their office is in Burbank and as usual I followed my intuition in finding the place. I enjoy the challenge when driving by following my intuition just knowing the address and nothing else but general direction where Burbank is located. I made my way and found it after a little detour along the way. There were lines of people registering and I went to the front to ask for an application form. The woman there asked me if I had my drivers license and my social security card, and I said yes to both, then she asked me if the card was laminated for that they can not accept. I have laminated my social security card to protect the little flimsy paper card from tearing. She asked me if I had my birth certificate or my passport. Both I left at home since I did not think I would need it, but it seems I obviously did. I could do nothing more so I left a little disappointed knowing that I was not able to get further then the front desk.
Next stop was at the American Film Market at Loews hotel in Santa Monica, almost next doors to where I am sitting right now. I dressed up this morning in my dark blue coat, blue pants, blue socks and my blue leather shoes with a white shirt. Thinking that I might meet someone in the film industry at the AFM in Santa Monica, and perhaps give away a few of my headshot business cards for a possible role in a future production. But the AFM was mostly closed off open to people wearing a registered pass which I did not have, so I took with me a few magazines and went back to the car to change to beach wear. I wandered on the beach for a while and also walked on the Santa Monica pier that was partly deserted this time of year, and took a walk along the Promenade the pedestrian street in Santa Monica. On my way back to my car I walked by Seaview Hotel and dropped by to check the price and was surprised it would only cost me $60 a night as Travel Lodge up the street costs $110. She actually also gave me $5 off since I had parked down the street at the $5 parking lot.
The magical hour of twilight
Twilight is quickly approaching and I have not even eaten dinner yet, but first I will need to go inside and defrost as the breeze had made me shiver.
As I went down the steps and rounded a small corner I almost bumped into a woman quickly heading upstairs. I continued to my car to get my green cozy button sweater and my dark brown leather jacket. A black sports car stood next to mine that had not been there a while ago, seemingly belonging to the woman I had just passed in the steps. I also noticed a white limo parked close by with an old guy next to it. I was about to head up to my room again when the woman came down the steps and passed by me once again. We quickly glanced and smiled at each other, both liking what we saw. I overheard the old guy saying to the woman that he wanted them to take his white limo, but as I noticed later the black sports car was gone as well. I seems she chose to take her own car instead of riding with him and whomever else was in the limo. I had also overheard that they had to do with the film market close by.
She was on my mind during dinner and I played with the idea of writing this on the back of one of my headshot business cards and fastening it on her driver side window; “Your pleasant and warm smile made me curious of who you are” and then add #15 for my room number. Since her car is not there, my plan seems to be born of fantasy and to stay there as well. But perhaps in the morning if she does not leave before I am up I will go through with my plan.
I can not remember the last time I experienced so many beautiful women in so few days. I have spoken with a few in these days as well. Me noticing them and them noticing me. It feels great to be here and it seems like a good place to find a girlfriend who has strength, wisdom and love.
Thursday 27th February 2003
By this evening I will have been here a week, and within that week I have experienced a lot. I have also explored many different areas of the city and am slowly starting to feel more comfortable here. But I still do not have a place I can call home.
I checked out closer to 12 and began to drive along the Pacific Highway heading north along the coast. The view reminded a little bit of Norway with it´s hills and the ocean, but one major difference is Norway does not have palm trees, and would not be able to grow there because of the cold winters. Along my left were one to two stories villas nestled between the ocean and the highway. In between there were open areas where the ocean came into view. Along one stretch I could also see surfers out in the water, one sitting on his board others paddling. The water had to be cold at this time of year and I believe the one person sitting on this board had on his wet suit.
I let the car take whatever route it wanted and I followed my sudden inspirations as to where the car and I went. One such place became the University of Pepperdine. A school up in the hills of Malibu. It is the best view from a school I have ever seen. Overlooking the area far down the coast and a great view of the ocean. I walked around on campus and looked for a place to get brunch, and came across The Wave Cafe. It was light and friendly with huge windows facing the ocean far below. I sat there and thought about the challenge I am having these days of trusting in God that I am taken care of and that everything will happen as it is meant to. The feeling of gloom still hangs over me, but when I also look at it from the outside, I usually feel something like this when it is the end of the month, as my body knows something is coming to an end, so that issues have a chance to be brought up and dealt with before new energies arrive.
I walked back to the car and felt an urgency to hurry back to Los Angeles as I am waiting for the house of 6 to call me on my cell phone and ask if I am still interested in moving into their home.
I worry some that they will not call me back, or that they will call and tell me that they have found someone else to move in with them instead of me. I feel it is another test of my trust, but these days I feel weak and worry that things will not be alright. Even if I know that things will be fine whatever that might mean.
I drove through Malibu through the mountains or hills and into the hilly area north of Santa Monica. There I muddled around here and there and drove to the top of one hill that overlooked the San Fernando valley or as I have heard it called before Earthquake alley. I continued on my way back to LA and drove back to Hollywood to the Travel Lodge I spent two nights at a few days ago. I am in the car writing these words as I do not at the moment want to check in yet, as I am thinking that if I go to the house of 6 today that I might spend the night in the guest bedroom where they have an extra bed available. I feel I have spent so much money on hotels in the last 5 days, that I need to figure out a way to use less.
Why even worry about it. I know it will be ok, but I do.
I sat outside in the car for probably over an hour just waiting. I called them and left a message where I mentioned that I was still interested in renting the one room. O well it does not look like I will be going there this evening, so be it. Emotional issues come up thoughts of worry linger in my mind.
I checked into Travel Lodge at Sunset Avenue to spend one more night at the same hotel I had stayed at two days earlier.