I decided to go home to Minneapolis for a 6 day Easter break to spend time resting and visiting friends.
Tuesday the 15th of April 2003
I was a bit hesitant in going as my thoughts were saying what if I enjoyed my stay so much back home in Minneapolis that I decided not to come back to Los Angeles. I was worried about losing my passion and my focus by taking a vacation.
The hesitation
I left class an hour early that evening as I drove to the airport to return my Enterprise rental car. I got there 5 minutes to late and was told to take it to Westin hotel, the hotel closest to the airport. So I found my way to Westin, parked and dropped the car key into a metal box on the Enterprise desk. I walked to the entrance and asked about the airport shuttle and someone who works there told me that it had just left. I could even see the shuttle at the traffic lights a 100 feet away. Just another matter to delay my departure, and at that moment I had 50 minutes to get to the airport and check in before the flight was scheduled to leave at 11.20pm. As I waited the 10 minutes for the next shuttle I realized that in some way that I was getting myself into these situations as I was so hesitant to leave Los Angeles. The next shuttle came early and I had to wait a few more restless minutes before we were on our way to the airport. During the short trip to the ATA terminal, my thoughts changed and I knew that if God wanted me here to follow my passion then a short vacation break would not extinguish my passion. My thoughts eased, and I knew that it would be alright to go home for 6 days.
The period at home was mostly spent at home resting in my own comfortable bed under my Norwegian comforter. The rest of the time I spent with my parents, and other friends. It felt good to visit the Norwegian Church again and see so many of my friends again, and notice changes going on in them. I also had a short visit to Augsburg College and was able to talk with a few friends there. When the time came to go back to Los Angeles I felt I had done most of the things I had wanted to do and was ready to go.
Back again to Los Angeles.
Tuesday the 22nd of April 2003
I left in the morning on the 22nd of April from Minneapolis, had a change of planes at Midway in Chicago and arrived in Los Angeles between 4-4.30pm.
I then rented a new car through Enterprise and drove to Hollywood to pick up James and another guy in my acting class before continuing to Burbank to acting class. I have this feeling that class is slowly disintegrating, and one of the guys had also quit. How long I will stay in this class, I’ll just wait and see. It is fascinating to notice how class has changed in the last two weeks, as if it was a balloon that had lost it’s air. As the class ended I was quickly out of there in a way I have never been before. My performance was lousy tonight as well, as I felt distracted.
I was very tired and hungry and went hunting for food, but at 10.20pm most places are closed. I drove around and found a 24 hour open diner (there are actually some diners here and there that are open 24 hours, weird) and checked in at Colony In in the Burbank area. I got there and felt this anger go through me. I was back at staying at hotels again, and after having stayed at home for a few days, it was a very hard readjustment. Now I question myself why I even bothered coming back here again to a life staying at hotels doing something that I do not know really how to do. At that moment I did not want to be here, but I knew that God wanted me here. But I also knew that this is my biggest dream that is stirring and I am following. I feel asleep full of anger at being back into the unstable life and not knowing where it will lead me.
Wednesday 23 April 2003
I had a dream early this morning. I looked over a ledge into the jungle below filled with tall trees. Someone had jumped before me and the ones beside me were holding onto ropes that stretched far below.
I stood at the edge on the side of perhaps a mountain looking down into a huge jungle further below. To the side just a few feet away from me I noticed a rope tightly hang over the edge being held by some light blue see through (I think) beings. I knew it was my turn to jump, and I grabbed onto another rope and with just a slight hesitation I jumped out from the ledge. Gravity set in and I felt the wind resistance hit me, but I felt at ease as if I had done this many times before. In a routine kind of way I fastened the rope to my belt as the descent quickened. Just before hitting the jungle floor the rope jerked to a stop, and I stopped with it. I was now ready to continue my assignment also knowing that the beings on the top of the ledge where holding onto my rope.
There is trust in letting go. In trusting that one will be cared for.
Today I am going to sign the contract at the ISM Modeling Agency. I trust that I am on the right path, and that I will be cared for by the ones that have placed me here in this jungle.