Chapter 9: LA part 3 – Journal Entry

Tuesday 4th of November 2003.
The following is from a journal entry I wrote that I called
“Going through Emotional Turmoil.”

Strong emotions can be very hard to handle many times. I know from personal experience.

I used to call myself a lone wolf and later a wanderer from the experiences I have had in being so alone in my life. Being alone for me meant that I had not placed my roots anywhere, as home became where ever I lived at any given moment in my life. In my first 11 years my family and I were like a traveling gipsy family always moving between the US and Norway with the purpose in the beginning for my fathers studies in Madison, Wisconsion and later working with at a Norwegian shipping company in Chicago. As a young and very sensitive boy my emotions where shaken every time we moved. Over time making me not want to feel any longer, holding potential friends that came close to me away from entering deep into my heart.

From a young age I had to come with terms that my parents and other people around me could not understand when I talked about supernatural experiences of among them of having invisible friends that explained things about this physical world to me. I had to shut off my spiritual world to take a stronger part in the physical world around me, the world most people that I experienced lived in. I also have a memory of my invisible friends telling me it was time for them to leave in the sense that I would not be able to see or hear them as I was used to. They would though always be around even if I would not be able to notice them. The time would come sometime in the future when I would see and hear them again.

As the spiritual world shut me out I looked for comfort in the physical world, but was not able to find comfort as my roots became pulled up too often by moving for me to feel that I was able to fully open my heart.

Growing up in confusion only wanting to find some kind of comfort and feeling safe, I slowly over time became stronger and more independant. I struggled with pushing my own spiritual senses aside trying to figure out how to live in this physical world.

I thought a few times at around the age of 12 of stabbing a knife into my heart, but being more scared of disappointing my mom by messing up the kitchen floor with blood and not having the courage to follow through i continued to live and continued to struggle.

Supernatural experiences have always been a part of my life. Facing the struggles of understanding my own spiritual experiences as well as my day to day struggles in the physical world made me over time slowly find a bridge between the two worlds. But it was not until I was 20 when I began Mantra meditation that I was more fully able to integrate the two. Finding comfort in feeling peace of spirit inside while having the peace affect me in every day life in the outward world completely changed me. I felt that I gradually began another path in life. A path of living in spirit and in body, but the emotional part of my life needed much work.

Emotions come up during experiences in spirit and body, and while spirit and body can be separated emotions are like glue attached to all experiences. Emotions float between all aspects of life affecting us in many ways as the moon affects the tides. To become aware of trapped emotions, to notice when old patterns of emotions come up can be tricky but with the help of others it becomes easier to notice, but it can be very hard to deal with. Emotions are not logical, and have to be dealt with in whichever way they present themselves for us. I do not shy away from working with myself to become a better person, but emotions of the heart, the pain of feeling separated from my own spirit and physical friends in my young years of moving are I think the hardest emotions I have ever dealt with in my life. Along with the feeling of not being accepted for who I am at a young age by especially my own mother, as her loving understanding is in the physical world while I was so much more in the spiritual. How can one accept the experiences of another who looks at life so differently? I do not blame my mother for being who she is, I can not blame anyone for experiences I have at a deeper level chosen to have in my life. Emotions become blocked when a need is not covered, and this need will come up at various times in life.

I do believe that certain guys or girls lean more toward being gay to avoid facing old emotional pain created by a need that was not covered by a parent of the opposite sex. I could have leaned that way to avoid having to face that I needed acceptance at a young age of my spiritual experiences from my mother. The need for acceptance from girls I meet comes up without me even being aware of it from time to time.

The closer the girlfriend gets to me the stronger the painful emotional memories come to me, and it becomes more and more difficult to further let her in without pushing her away. Using words that hurt I become more shallow since the depth of my emotions pains so much. Forcing her to leave me. Creating an emotional turmoil of old stuck emotions and newly created ones. I once again protect myself from separation by not letting anyone deep into my heart. Choosing to be separated rather then taking the chance of letting someone in to be united in the heart.

12 years ago when I had my first and only long term relationship (it lasted a year) I went through many similar emotions as I do today with the beginning of this relationship I have now pushed away from me not knowing what to do at this moment. I do not know what will happen between her and me, but I do know that I care so deeply for her that I have gone through the stages of pushing her away as I did in my first relationship.

God guided me to a good night sleep the day before my emotional turmoil began, as my soul knew what experience was to come. I have been guided through facing emotions trapped inside and yesterday it seemed like I went as deep inside as I could get to bring light to where there has been darkness for a very long time. I pray for the guidance for whatever is to be and of the understanding that I need to open my heart even further to Tess or anyone else that comes across my path that I am meant for. With a fuller understanding that it is up to me to accept who I am, spirit, emotions and body, and not keep looking for acceptance of myself in others as I sometimes do when experiencing life through age old emotions. Knowing that boundaries of behaviour is necessary so that I do not give away my power but keep the focus where it needs to be.

I feel blessed even while in the middle of an emotional turmoil of pushing away someone I really care for, knowing that I have a chance to go through the emotions that have come up and with God’s help hopefully learn what I need to move on in my life without having the need to continue holding on to old patterns of painful emotions. This time I choose to let it go into God’s loving hands, and with his help it will become so.