Monday 10th of November 2003.
I have been feisty these last few days having so much more energy inside not knowing where to direct it. I become a whirlpool of energy that has no where to go. Trying to figure out where to direct it.
I had a dream last night that I had been hiding away, perhaps sleeping in a small area of tall pale yellow grass. Suddenly I discover or awake to notice that there are people around me just outside the yellow grass. So I decide to come out of hiding, but as I begin to move I notice that I cannot walk. My legs do not remember how. I look to the side and see into a hospital room where a male cynical nurse tells me here take these pills it will help you up on your feet quicker. I tell him angrily no, “I can make it on my own without any pills.” I stubbornly, feisty drag my feet behind some kind of walker, willing my legs to walk. Slowly I come out of the tall pale grass stumbling forward among people who are busy sun tanning and walking around as if it was at the beach. Too busy to notice me. I look at the people around, wondering what I am doing. I continue to stubbornly struggle with my legs as they drag behind me to an area overlooking the water far below. I notice a friend of mine from Norway walk on a small pebble and dirt road a little ways from me, and I wobble over on a path between some dry bushes to get her attention. I call to her and wave my arm, but she disappears around a bush too busy thinking about what she is going to do too even notice me. A moment later she reappears walking back along the same path to where I first noticed her. I just look at her knowing that she will not notice me this time either, so I look with sad eyes knowing that I need to let her go.
Another moment passes and I wobble back to where I could see the water below and I hear my brother calling for me to join him down by the waters edge. A brief thought crosses my mind that it will be difficult to get down there as I am having a hard time walking already, but then my stubbornness sets in that I want to get down to the water and also see my brother and swim with him. As I drag myself down the slopping path my legs become stronger as the movement reawakens the memory of walking. The dream ends, and I understand some of the feistiness that I am experiencing these days in my waking life.
Feeling that I these days am learning how to walk again.
One of Aida’s roommates moved out so Christine and I decided to rent the room so that we both had a place to stay temporary. I am sleeping in my sleeping bag and have no idea how long I am to stay here, but it will just have to do for now.