What follows are events over a period of time in relation to the Amma Retreat.
To read more about Amma go to www.amma.org
My spiritual journey
As it happened over a few weeks.
Part 1 – The Amma Retreat In Los Angles
As I strolled out of the gates of the old German style mansion in Pasadena, I knew I wanted and needed to get back into the spiritual aspect of my own life which I had seemed to have put aside for too long.
I had again, as I many times like to do, talked about that I do energy healing and massage, and the woman asked me if I had an office and I replied with saying that I did this on family and friends. As I thought about my reply to her afterward it seemed as if I was saying that I did not do energy healing and massage on strangers, which is not the case.
She got me thinking about doing energy healing and massage more on a more professional way. Also thinking about teaching people about how to do this. I wanted to get back into the spiritual aspect of life.
A week passed by, and I begun to for the fun of it look on Craigslist again, but this time I found a message that really intrigued me.
The message was one of a person going to a spiritual conference and that she needed a place to live while in Los Angeles. As I read her message I felt that I really wanted to be of service in helping her in anyway that I could. I did not really think that I could be of service for a place to live, but I was willing to give up my own bed and sleep on the couch in our living room for the time she was to spend here in LA. Not that it would be a very good suggestion, but at least I would be willing to do this.
I contacted her and told her that I felt compelled to help, and Hope (which is her spiritual nick name) was very glad to hear back from me.
We e-mailed a few times forth and back and she called me a few days before she was to arrive, and we had a good connection over the phone so that the both of us became more relaxed in meeting each other. She e-mailed me that someone else, Usha and Olaf, had offered a place for her to stay, and that made me relieved to hear, as that would be much better for her.
Tuesday 24th of June 2003
I picked Hope at the LAX airport at 1pm and we drove to Santa Monica and had lunch at “Gateway to India” a block from the beach. And aferward we walked down and sat on the bright sands for a while before heading to Usha and Olaf´s place which is 10 minutes from where I live in Santa Monica.
While on the sands Hope could see in me a connection with Hawaii and said that I should go there sometime as I would really feel connected with the islands as there is much spiritual energy there. I hope to go someday.
We came to Usha´s and Olaf´s place and sat and spoke with each other for a little while before Hope told them that we were heading up to Westfield and Marriot hotel were the spiritual conference was to begin that evening. As I had decided to place my life on hold for as long as Hope was around I called my acting instructor 10 minutes before class was to begin to let her know that I was not coming. She was not too happy but I wanted to follow what felt right for me. I had only found out almost an hour before that that I would not be attending the evenings acting class. It is the first class I have not attended, and it will be one of a few that I will miss.
We drove north and a half hour later we arrived at the hotel and parked in the vistor parking. The conference is about Amma a highly spiritual woman from India who is travelling around the US touring giving hugs and spiritual advice to an audience in the 1-2 thousends. She gives hugs for hours, giving everyone a hug, and remains as joyess and present for everyone.
I received my first hug that evening. The hug in it´s self was nice, but feeling the energy and mediating in the huge Marriot ballroom filled with perhaps a 1000 people was awesome. Hope and I were there to 3.30 in the morning and I went to bed that morning seeing the sunlight slowly come up.
Wednesday the 25th of June 2003
The next evening, Wednesday was similar as we attended the retreat in the evening until early morning.
Thursday the 26th of June 2003
I dropped Hope off at 3pm and I drove to Denny´s close by to have lunch and fill out the papers for “Blind Date” dating show, as I was attending an audition at 5pm in Hollywood. I got there late but it worked out alright….. See entry for the Blind Date Show experience.
Friday the 27th of June 2003
Friday we drove up to Santa Barbara as Hope felt that she needed to go there and live for a long period of time. She has been travelling around for 8 years attending various spiritual conferences and doing other things, and wanted to find a place to settle down and Santa Barbara, 2 hours drive north of Los Angeles became the place.
The sun shune and we had a good talk in the car on our way north to Santa Barbara. We spoke of a past life together where she was a queen and I her servent, or so it felt for us. It gave myself certain understanding why I had put my own life aside. As we talked it also gave me insight into how I have chosen multiple life times in servent roles………
Saturday the 28th of June 2003
On Saturday on the last day of the conference we arrived Marriot early. And we both went our seperate ways. Later in the day I stood in the lunch line and noticed a long blond haired girl sitting on a chair next to the line smiling and talking with someone in line. As I got closer I begun to talk with her and she shune her beautiful smile at me. I was just stunned by her smile and warmth. Mikayla (which is her spiritual nick name) radiates a strong sense of love and joy, and I just had to stick around and talk with her for a while. I let the people behind me in line pass as I went out of the line to stand beside Mikayla to be around her. I sat on my knees beside her and we talked, and later I also picked up some food and came back and ate beside her. She was sitting on the chair to check for arm bands as people without arm bands are not supposed to eat, but she is similar to myself that it does not really matter if someone without an arm band comes in line and gets some food. Someone did come and the couple was able to figure out as they spoke with someone who worked with the food what was going on at the spiritual conference.
The broken heart
I briefly touched her on the back below the neck and felt that something was off with the energy in the area. And she began to talk about how tired she was as she had not slept much for a long period of time as she had attended one spiritual conference after the next. I mentioned something about her back and the area I had touched briefly and she told me that her heart had just a few days ago been broken. I told her I could give her a massage if she wanted, I eagerly awaited her response. She said yes.
I suggested that I give her a massage on the couch in the lobby area. I had tried the couch myself a bit earlier and had slept for a while even if people were walking around in the same area. We walked in and found the same couch free that I had rested on earlier, and there I gave her the massage. I felt so close to her and hooked on her that I did not want to stop touching her skin. I continued until she asked me to stop then she layed down. I smiled at her, and as she looked up at me as she smiled her beautiful warm smile back again and as if she was a young girl covering up her face with her hands and her shawl. We were for a second like two young kids falling in love for the first time.
She needed to rest and I had to leave her alone for a while, which was really really hard to do. I told her that I had a hard time not touching her at that moment, and she pulled away being reminded about how exhausted she was and her broken heart. Perhaps I could help her heal it…
Restless and waiting
I wandered around checking up on her on pretty often to see if she still slept, and after having checked perhaps 10 times she was finally sitting up writing something on her notepad.
I walked back to her and asked how her rest went, she showed me that she was on her cell phone. I backed away giving her space and bumped my head into the light behind me. I felt like this lovesick clomsy puppy wanting to be around this amazing girl that I felt I could give my heart to. I was like a moth to the flame. I noticed something in here that I tried to grasp onto, she sensed it and so did I. We were both patient with me, as it seemed this was just something I needed to go through. But I was in the middle of it and could not see it clearly.
Mikayla mentioned how the Amma tour was going next to Santa Fe, New Mexico, and that she was thinking about going, but it was unclear if she wanted to go with the people she had first arranged a ride with to Los Angeles. I happen to blurt out that perhaps we could go together, as her excitment talking about Amma jumped over to me. We both left it open.
We spoke for a while, and soon it was time to head back to the ballroom to mediate. We sat beside eachother and I felt that I received this great energy from her as well as the energy in the room. As she talked to me I leaned over almost touching her, one time my thoughts were more focused on what was going on in the front so I did not lean in so she leaned over me letting her body fall into mine, bodies meeting for a moment, feeling the contour of her breasts hitting my own upper body.
The last Darshan
This was the last evening of the conference and Amma sat inside a square cloth temple filled with white colors. It was closed at first and suddenly the curtains around were opened. This was the last Dursham as they call it, which means the part where Amma gives hugs. I later recieved a hug from her and this time it felt stronger to me as more energy moved through my body. I sat down among the audience in front not far from where Mikayla and I had sat earlier. I mediated for a little while and suddenly I noticed Olaf and Usha in front of me, so I walked over and hugged them both, and sat down to mediate again. Olaf helped me through some of the energies that were going through me, and I was able to relax further letting energy pass out from my lower back.
Later in the night I drove Mikayla to the place she was staying and Usha and Olaf brought Hope with them. I got a small taste of what it would be like to travel with Mikayla.
On my way home at 4.30am that night I saw a dead bird or something that looked like that in the middle of the road. It made me think that perhaps the dead bird meant a dead dream, so I slowly came to a neutral place in myself being ok with going to New Mexico with Mikayla. I felt it was mostly in her hands, as I knew that she would also need to notice her own the signs if she was to go to New Mexico with me.
Sunday the 29th of June 2003
She received the signs she needed and called me in the morning to ask if I still wanted to go. I said yes, and we agreed on leaving the next day, Monday morning.
Later in the day I picked up Hope and drove her to Santa Barbara. I was hoping that the trip would go quicker so that I would make it back to the Norwegian Church in San Pedro south west of Los Angeles at 6pm to meet the Dale family Norwegian Pastors family that I know well from Minneapolis who were coming in from San Diego, but it did not happen that way. At 10 minutes to six I called them on my cell phone telling them that I was still in Santa Barbara and that I would not make it in time to the church. I knew they wanted to see me during there stay here, and I also wanted to see them again, but spirit guided me differently, and I chose to make another decision instead. I will see them next time I am back in Minneapolis.
Lighthouse Street In Santa Barbara
Hope and I spent some time in Santa Barbara following spirit the best we could, and spirit did guide us. As we drove around I suddenly felt the inspiration to drive down Lighthouse street, and further down the street we noticed a Revival church having a service five minutes later, so we stopped and went inside. It was fascinating listening to the pastor talking about Jesus with so much force and having people say amen and other things and stand up and clap. Hope end up playing Amazing Grace on the piano, and we both looked at each other and smiled at how we had suddenly got ourselves into this situation. After the service we spoke briefly with a few of the people there, and Hope told me that a woman who looked like Amma was going to guide us to a place called the Mission – Rescue Center. So Hope and I followed the car in front as it brought us to the place that Hope was going to begin her new journey in Santa Barbara. I dropped Hope of and we said our farewells, and slowly I headed back to Los Angeles. Back on the highway my thoughts went to Mikalya and within 5 minutes she called.
A sad moment
Trafic slowed down along the Pacific highway. As I got closer to a beach area next to the highway, I understood why . A huge killer whale had become beached and lay dead. Waves were crashing onto the beach rolling the huge body side to side making one flipper move up and down. It was a sorrowful moment. Sadness stung the air. A majestic creature had for whatever reason come onto the beach and died. I wonder why?
People stood around, and I slowed to get a closer look. The traffic went smoothly after this. Mikayla had told me earlier that I could call her anytime I felt like it, so I called telling her about the dead killer whale on the beach. It was the first time I have seen a dead whale. We both thought about the meanings it would have, as all animals have different meanings connected with them.
I got back home to Santa Monica at around 10-10.30pm and thought for a moment to drive to where the Dale family where staying but decided not to do so, as I knew I had to get up early in the morning for the 12 hour drive to Santa Fe.