Wednesday the 21st of May 2003
The in between moments
Yesterday I began to meditate again. Bascially sitting in a chair with my back straight letting myself think of nothing. When I notice my mind wander I gently bring it back to thinking of nothing. I sat like this a couple of times yesterday and noticed that my mind began to work it’s self through issues of frustration, anger, and other emotions it was struggling to control. I let whatever come up, come up. I was an observor to what my mind was going through, and I did not step in to control my mind. I willingly let my mind work through issues that have come up to the surface, and when the thought quieted down again I brought my mind back to thinking of nothing. The mediation went on like this for a while (I did not time it) between my mind thinking of something and thinking of nothing, and afterward I felt more at ease with being me.
I noticed that I am in need of mediation these days as I have been going through so many emotions. Instead of looking closer at them I have been pushing them aside with the belief/thinking that I did not have the time at that moment to look closer at what was coming up. As my mind brought issues up to the surface things I needed to look at, I pushed the same issues down again. Pushing issues aside that the body and mind needs to go through will create tension and worry. As many times the worries we carry are just emotions that the mind have not been given permission to look at closer. When I worry too much I have to remind myself to ask my body and mind what is going on. I listen for an answer, and the only way to listen is to be still.
As I focus on my breathing while taking deep breathes I let the body and mind speak, and the tension in my body becomes lighter over time.
I know I will need to continue to mediate a few times a day, as I have more tension in me that needs to be released. As the body and mind releases tension I also refind the strength and peace that is in me. It makes it easier being me.
The Photo session
I went to a photo session at Pro Artists Group. I brought along some outfits to wear for the photo session. It was free and I only payed $40 for the negatives as well as some pictures, and it is up to me if I want to go somewhere and develop them further. The pictures will turn out nicely, as I noticed that the photographer reacted to a good picture even before he even pressed the shutter release button. The pictures for this session I do not know where are.
Thursday 22nd of March 2003
Before I left for the reading with Mike Sutton from Baron Entertainment, I happen to have a conversation with Sandra who lives down the hall in the new hotel I am staying at a few more days. We stood outside one of the doors on the second floor along the small outside balcony when a long dark haired girl was checking out the hotel. I raised my voice and said hi and began a conversation. She was looking for a cheap place to stay and I told her that I payed 250$ a week for this hotel which was almost half of what I payed at the Travel Lodge in Hollywood. I asked if she wanted to come up and look at the room. She walked back to the car to let her mom know. Her mom parked while the girl came up and I showed her the room. I also showed her mother the room. I also gave Mika some advice on checking out LA Weekly the free newspaper and to look at Craigslist for the LA area. She wrote down the advice. I have been here for three months, and have had the time to figure out a few things along the way. I told Mika why I had come to Los Angeles, and compared it to going to the dentist because one needs to not because one wants to. She recognized what I meant because she too knew that she needed to come to Los Angeles and begin as an actor not because she wants to, she is not certain, but because she needs to. I gave her my card and told her that she cold e-mail me if she wanted to. She seemed nice and it was good helping her out on her new path as I have been walking mine for a few months.
The Audition for Mike Sutton
I left for Pro Artist Group and went inside to let them know that I have arrived. Rachell who works in the office set me up with a pleasant girl. We were to go through the scripts we had picked up a few days before. I had read through a few times and now we went through it a few times together.
Is it hot in here?
The story was about a couple where the womans close friends tell her that she should take a break with her boyfriend. They suggest a month. The couple talk about a break and they both look at their planners to figure out a suitable time. They have a lot of things they have planned on doing together so that they decide to wait 3-4 months. At the end the she says “what” because the man looks at her with wanting eyes. He says “You look hot in that shirt”. “She says in a flattering voice, “why thank you.” The man says “Hottie-Mchot-Hot” and they both smile to eachother. We had rehearsed a few times when Sandra became really warm. Suddenly she thought it was hot in the hallway we were in. I noticed she held her hand more then once just below her troat and infront of the buttons on her bluse in a sense hiding where her naked skin showed through, to stop my eyes from penetrating. The charactes affected us both, as she became reserved and I began to notice her more. It seemed to fit quite well for the characters for our reading in front of Mike Sutton.
I do believe he was looking for people to use in commercials. That was my impression from talking with Rachel from Pro Artists Group the day after as Mike did not find what he was looking for. No one received in their system a “Lead Star” grade.
Sandra mentioned that she needed to leave very soon and it reminded me that I needed to leave right after we were done to go to ISM for the Casting Director class.
We performed for Mike Sutton and he was at first disapointed but it graudally changed to laughter as the scene progressed. As I do believe Sandra became flabbergasted and embarresed the way I through my character looked at her.
We finished and took the elevator down together. Sandra walked in one direction and I went in the other. I reached ISM at the end of the Casting Director class, and did a cold reading for both of them in front of the camera twice. In the second take I held the script higher opp in front of me so that I would not look as much down as I had in the first take. The contact between the other actor and myself improved a lot during the second take. The class was over.
Opening my heart
During the period I stayed at Wilshire – Orange hotel Inn I met a girl that helps people in similar ways to what I do. I remember speaking with her about what I saw in her, and the following day she had a few things to tell me.
She reminded me to open my heart and be in my heart when I share my thoughts and feelings with people. I have at times placed a shield around my heart and just used my head to share. She told me that I through some of the words I used seemed cold and uncaring during those moments, and as I went back to some of the things I told her I noticed that I had used some words to keep myself at a distance. I received a lesson through her to keep my heart open. It can sometimes be easier not to get involved with my heart in the meeting of another person. I can then seem like a cold person in that moment, so it was a good reminder to be present with an open heart in the various situations I come into.